It takes mere seconds for the light reflecting off of Pluto to meet James' eye, refracting from the mirrors within his telescope, and dazzling him with hints of the stars beyond.
James doesn't exactly appreciate this gift, though. This ability for his vision to travel into the past, and make it back home in time to plan for the future. He sees Pluto. He acknowledges its existence, but instead of being overwhelmed by it, he nods and moves to the next astrological display of magnificence. He has learned not to focus on one thing, be it great or terrible.
At times, this leaves James missing out on the splendor of excitement or jubilation in discovering new stars and systems beyond our reach. Other instances allow him the peace and calm to chart these discoveries most accurately, and alone-- without the worry of others catching wind of his discovery due to loud shouts and laughter of joy.
He discovered the planet that we now call Themis II. He discovered it with a subdued and consistent flame broiling under the surface. With steady hands and a level head, he pushed our discoveries past the known systems and into another final frontier.
--
And so here I am. I'm in my shuttle toward Themis II. My hands are shaking, and my mind is quaking, and my whole being is trying to figure out the difference between heart and soul. Before I can even grasp what to do next-- I'm fighting back tears.
"ETA is 5 hours. Warp Drive Capacity at 60%. System integrity at 100%...."
"Yea, yea I got you... Just, stop shouting, comp. I'm trying to breathe."
I've been on the shuttle for about ten days now. I've had the typical psychological waves of joy and depression as anyone would on a one-man-mission into the unknown.
All of the world depends on me. All of the people depend on my success.
"What if I don't make it... Or what if I crash land. What if the planet DOESN'T sustain life? Fuck... What if there's..."
Part of my mind drowns the words out, and the other part reels from them. Without much of a choice, I'm left battling my own psyche while the computer is screaming at me.
"Refreshing oxygen cycle in five minutes. Routine flushing of the system in ten minutes."
I couldn't take much more of it. The fear of moving forward was so vast, so daunting-- but felt so expansive and liberating. While cabin fever sets in, my mind wants to take flight toward the unknown.
But then there was the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the worry, the what-ifs, and my own sanity. That made me want to curl into a ball. It's what made me pull the Emergency Return lever.
It's why I'm heading back to Earth right now.
--
"ETA 10 Hours."
I'm just sitting, and breathing, and thinking about what I've done.
"ETA in 5 hours."
I'm still sitting, and thinking, and reconsidering it... But I feel so scared either way-- and now it's a frightening vastness which is somehow engulfing me.
"ETA in Ten... Nine..."
"There she is--Themis II. Oh christ... We're comin' in hot!"
--
Themis II is vivid blue, and as she breaks the atmosphere, it melts into a dilute green, which grows in intensity upon approach. The computer blares at her, warning her of oncoming impact. Light flash, part of the shuttle breaks off into space for landing.
--
I land, and I am so full of pride. Even amidst all of the previous uncertainty and emotional turmoil. Even though I am alone except for my comp. Even when I still have to chart this landing site, test levels, and get back within two months... I made it. Adversity is a bitch, but once she is overcome and left in the dust of the survey rover to the East of me, it all is worth it.
Or perhaps adversity is among the stars within which I lost myself and found the truth. Maybe it's back on Earth, when I started this journey. Wherever the adversity latched onto me like a leech to begin with, I have pulled it from to regain myself.
--
Themis, the goddess of balance, and the ruler of the scales. She dictates what happens on Themis II. She is this world's God. She will realign those who meet her gaze, because she finds their gaze wanting. Far from those impulsive and fleeting desires, she directs their eyes skyward-- with no worry of the past, and no longing for the future, but to focus on the presence of now, and to keep looking up.
--
-"Themis II reporting, personal log number five, week two. It's interesting, sometimes I feel sort of alone, when comp goes on refresh and the rover is out for survey. Then I have this urge to just... look up. Sometimes without a telescope, sometimes with. I sense Earth, and my work being done to further us all as a race. Productivity is up, and morale is quite high. Logging."-
No comments:
Post a Comment